Is Gift Giving a Bad Idea?
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For some, gift-giving can be a significant source of stress.
Key Points:
Gift-giving can distract from the joy of togetherness during the holidays.
It may unintentionally create pressure and competition between givers and receivers.
Gifts can lead to disappointment and hurt feelings for either party.
As a Jewish person, one of my favorite days of the year is Christmas. It’s not officially my holiday, and I don’t celebrate it in a traditional sense—which is precisely why I appreciate it so much. On Christmas, I experience no pressure or expectations. I spend the day with my husband, children, and any other friends or family who are around. We cocoon: sleeping in, lounging, eating, talking, and watching movies. Not a single gift is exchanged because, in theory, “it’s not our holiday.” In our family, gift-giving is reserved for Hanukkah.
Gift-Giving Can Be Stressful
I find gift-giving particularly stressful during the holidays. I prefer to give gifts when I feel inspired—not because a date on the calendar demands it. A meaningful gift requires reflection: considering who the person is, what they value, their tastes, and what they might need or desire. But the holidays arrive quickly, often catching us off guard, and wait for no one. If you’re not prepared, you can easily miss the opportunity altogether.
The Essence of a Good Gift
The most cherished gifts are those that come from the heart and reflect a genuine understanding of the recipient. What do they truly enjoy? What are they missing or longing for? Even those closest to us—like my grown children who no longer live with me—may not always know the answers.
Have you ever given someone a gift you were sure they didn’t have, only to find it didn’t resonate with them? This can happen whether you know the person well or not.
The Risk of Hurt Feelings
Sometimes we never learn why a gift didn’t land well. Maybe the recipient already had the item, or it wasn’t quite the right fit. One of my patients spent limited time and money to buy a specific item her cousin requested, only to learn that the dimensions weren’t quite right. The cousin’s reaction left my patient feeling unappreciated, as though her effort was seen merely as an opportunity for free shopping.
Similarly, recipients often have unconscious expectations about a gift’s value. If the present doesn’t meet those expectations, it can lead to disappointment. A gift inherently communicates how the giver values the relationship. When it fails to say, “I see you, I appreciate you,” it can instead convey devaluation—even to the point of demeaning the receiver or straining the relationship.
I recall a friend who was deeply hurt when her mother-in-law gave her a poorly wrapped regift—which turned out to be the exact item she herself had given two years prior. Having long sought her mother-in-law’s approval, this thoughtless act reinforced her feelings of inadequacy. Repairing the relationship took time.
One-sided gift-giving can also be painful. When a generous person consistently gives and receives little in return, they may feel exploited or taken for granted. Such givers usually offer gifts as an expression of love, gratitude, or appreciation—hoping not for reciprocation in kind, but for recognition, time, or consideration. When that acknowledgment is absent, it can wound deeply.
The Burden of Receiving
Receiving a gift can sometimes feel burdensome—especially when the gift is expensive or required significant effort. Have you ever been to a dinner where the host worked so hard that the meal felt more stressful than joyful? Over-generosity can evoke a sense of obligation, pressuring the recipient to match the gesture—which is especially difficult for those who aren’t natural gift-givers.
An expensive gift given to someone of lesser means may be well-intentioned, but it can also trigger embarrassment or highlight the recipient’s inability to reciprocate. The result may be discomfort rather than gratitude.
Personally, I often worry that a gift I give will be perceived as useless or unwelcome. If the recipient doesn’t genuinely seem pleased, I feel like I’ve become a burden. The whole exchange can come to feel like a wasted opportunity—not to mention a waste of money.
When the Only Present Is Your Presence
These complicated dynamics can foster an atmosphere of pressure and competition around gift-giving—which contradicts the spirit of the holidays, and of generosity itself.
Let me be clear: I am not against gift-giving. I am opposed to its compulsory nature during the winter holidays. A gift can be a powerful vehicle for generosity, appreciation, love, or reconciliation—sometimes speaking more eloquently than words. A thoughtfully picked flower can convey romantic interest; a well-chosen token can express forgiveness or remorse.
I encourage experimenting with a gift-free Christmas—focusing only on the gift of togetherness. If you still feel the urge to give, try doing so unexpectedly: offer a gift out of season, or in gratitude for something specific, free from the weight of obligation. You may find that both giving and receiving become far more meaningful.