When Cringeworthy Gifts Are Worse Than Inconsiderate
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Sometimes, a gift that appears reasonable on the surface can be as unwelcome as a stocking full of coal.
Have you ever wondered why your mom bought you that inexplicable item? You’re not alone.
As a consumer researcher specializing in gift-giving, I’ve long been interested in why gifts fail to hit the mark. Conventional wisdom suggests that disappointing gifts are accidental. But my work reveals that sometimes, people give bad gifts intentionally.
My curiosity began in childhood with a gag gift from my dad. I unwrapped layer after layer of boxes, each building anticipation—only to find the smallest one completely empty. I was crushed; he thought it was hilarious. (To be fair, this took place on April Fool’s Day, which wasn’t typically a gift-giving occasion in our family.)
Yet that experience left me eager to understand what would drive someone to give such a rotten present.
The Impact of Unwanted Gifts
The cost of unwanted gifts is staggering, both financially and relationally. During the 2015 holiday season, returns of unwanted merchandise—excluding fraud—totaled $60.84 billion in the U.S. alone. This figure doesn’t even account for gifts that were regifted, discarded, donated, or simply stored away.
Although there’s no data on how many gifts are outright cruel, the issue is significant—especially considering that Americans spend nearly $679 billion annually on gifts, according to the National Retail Federation.
You might be surprised to learn that many people knowingly give gifts without any regard for the recipient’s feelings. While it may seem irrational to offer a present that damages rather than strengthens a relationship, some individuals do exactly that.
Studying “Mean” Gifts
To conduct what may be the first formal study on intentionally hurtful gifts, I began with in-depth interviews involving 15 couples. Each conversation started with: “Can you tell me about gift-giving between you and your partner over time?” Participants also frequently discussed gifts from extended family.
To broaden the research, I analyzed over 400,000 relevant discussions from family-oriented message boards on SNXDO.COM using the keyword “gifts.” It turns out people are eager to talk about gifts—the good, the bad, and the openly hostile. They seek advice, share frustrations, and complain when they suspect a gift was deliberately offensive.
Five Types of Inconsiderate Gifts
Based on this research, I’ve identified five categories of inconsiderate gifts:
1. Confrontational Gifts
These are personal affronts. One extreme example: a woman gave her childless daughter-in-law a pregnancy test for Christmas. Another: a mother gifted her son, who had left the faith, a book on Christianity—fully aware it would underscore her disapproval.
2. Selfish Gifts
These are “to-you-for-me” presents that benefit the giver more than the recipient. One sports-enthusiast husband gave his wife a big-screen TV for her birthday—just in time for the Super Bowl she had no intention of watching.
3. Aggressive Gifts
Some gifts are explicitly meant to offend. One man gave his wife patio furniture she disliked for Mother’s Day. When she asked him to return it, he bought more of the same pattern for her birthday weeks later. Such gifts often signal a deteriorating relationship; this couple divorced soon after.
4. Obligatory Gifts
Given out of duty rather than care, these presents aren’t malicious—just thoughtless. They fulfill a social requirement without consideration for the recipient’s tastes. One woman bought her husband clothes she knew he’d return, explaining, “Probably just so he would have something on his birthday.”
5. Competitive Gifts
These are given to show off or “out-gift” others. A common example is grandparents giving a grandchild a present their parents explicitly forbade. One mother reported her parents and in-laws competing to give increasingly extravagant gifts against her wishes—and then boasting about it on Facebook.
These categories often overlap. A gift can be both aggressive and competitive, or selfish and confrontational.
This holiday season, the average American will buy about 15 gifts. If any of yours seem to fit these categories, there’s still time to reconsider—or to apologize if it’s too late. A little reflection can prevent hurt feelings and strengthen your relationships instead of straining them.