Why Is It So Hard to Accept Gifts?
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The other day at work, I decided to perform a random act of kindness by buying lunch for one of my employees. This isn’t something out of the ordinary for me—I often treat my team to coffee or sandwiches. What stood out this time, however, was her reaction.
Most of my employees offer to pay when I buy them something, but after I insist, they usually accept graciously. This employee, however, almost panicked. She insisted I take her money, even after I refused. Her face flushed, her eyes welled up, and she genuinely seemed to be begging me to let her pay.
I responded simply: I told her that we all enjoy doing kind things for others, and sometimes it’s okay to let people be kind to us in return.
As I said those words, it struck me—I, too, struggle with receiving gifts or acts of kindness. By nature, I’m a giver. I likely inherited this trait from my mother and sisters. I love giving and the joy it brings. Yet, I find it awkward and sometimes difficult to accept the same generosity in return.
I recall once during graduate school, I paid for a stranger’s meal—a woman standing behind me in line—without her knowledge. By the time she realized what had happened, I was already heading toward the door. She called out, “Thank you,” then paused as if expecting me to ask for something—her name, number, or conversation. But I didn’t. I just smiled and left.
Yet, for some people—like the employee I mentioned—such a gesture would be hard to accept.
With the holiday season approaching, it feels like the right time to explore why some people find it difficult to receive gifts.
Not Wanting the Attention
For some, the attention that comes with receiving a gift feels uncomfortable. Even if no one else is around, they may feel exposed or embarrassed. In the case of my employee, this was likely a big factor. I offered in front of others—people who were already used to me buying meals—but she may have felt singled out and put on the spot.
This ties into another reason: some people are accustomed to acts of kindness coming with strings attached. They might assume the giver wants something in return. Accepting the gift could make them feel indebted, which completely contradicts the spirit of a selfless gesture.
Not Feeling Worthy
Some people struggle with self-worth or simply aren’t used to others being kind to them. They may reject a gift because they don’t believe they deserve it—even if the giver thinks otherwise. The more thoughtful or expensive the gift, the stronger this feeling can become, leaving them overwhelmed and uneasy.
Conditioning
Our upbringing often shapes how we perceive receiving. Someone raised in a household where receiving came with guilt or obligation may carry that into adulthood. This is especially true for many women, who are socialized to be caregivers and givers, not receivers. Allowing others to give to them can almost feel like breaking a rule.
Allowing Yourself to Receive
It helps to remember that giving brings people joy. The process—choosing, making, or offering a gift—is an act of kindness, appreciation, or love. When you receive gracefully, you complete that exchange. You allow the giver to express themselves, and you honor their effort.
Those who struggle to receive gifts often also struggle to accept nurturing, support, or even love. Learning to receive can start small: let someone listen when you need to talk, support you when you’re struggling, or simply be there for you emotionally.
Many of us who find it hard to accept gifts have learned to ignore our own needs—telling ourselves we don’t need nurturing. But identifying what we need and how we want to be supported can open us up to receiving not only material gifts, but the deeper gifts of connection and care. It allows us to nurture others from a full heart, and to let ourselves be nurtured in return.