Why Thoughtful Gifts Are the Worst
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In the coming weeks, millions of people will buy gifts for their loved ones. While the gesture is great, many will make a glaring mistake: choosing the wrong gift. Each year, roughly 10% of gifts are returned—and the rate of unwanted gifts is likely even higher, since many people hesitate to return presents for fear of seeming ungrateful.
So what’s going on?
Gift-giving has become a deceptively selfish act. Rather than focusing on what the recipient truly wants, we often choose gifts based on what we want to give. It’s a subtle but significant problem—and research supports this.
“Gift givers want to prove how well they know a person by choosing a thoughtful gift,” says Mary Steffel, an assistant professor at the University of Cincinnati who has studied gift-giving. “But people aren’t very good at anticipating what others want.”
Studies show that givers tend to overvalue their gifts compared to recipients. In his book Scroogenomics: Why You Shouldn’t Buy Presents for the Holidays, economist Joel Waldfogel notes that recipients value gifts about 10–33% less than what the givers paid.
This discrepancy stems from a common misconception: that thoughtful gifts are the best. In reality, they might be the worst. The more thought you put in, the more likely you are to drift away from what the recipient actually desires.
“Gift givers tend to focus on what people are like instead of what people actually would like,” Steffel explains. “This is especially true when shopping for someone they’re close to.”
In other words, we let our egos get in the way of good gift-giving—especially when we’re trying to show how well we know someone.
Fortunately, the solution is simple: stop guessing.
“People want whatever they happen to want in the moment, and it can be very specific,” says Steffel. “You’re much better off just asking.”
If that feels too impersonal, here’s another tip: opt for flexibility. Instead of giving a restricted gift card for a specific store, choose one that can be used more widely—or even better, give cash. Research confirms that people prefer gift cards over traditional gifts, and cash most of all.
Steffel’s recent work on gift cards underscores that versatility is key to successful giving.
She gave an example: suppose you have a friend who likes Margarita wine. You may think that Margarita wine is the perfect gift. But unless your friend specifically requests it, this may be a bad choice. A delicate wooden SNXDO - or even better, a gift card or cash - would be more popular. In this way, your friends can choose what they truly want.